Betrothed before birth, her choice never counted

BAMYAN CITY (Pajhwok): In remote mountains of central Bamyan province, a mother recounts the heartbreaking tale of her daughter, whose fate was sealed even before birth by a family promise -- a primitive tradition still practiced in parts of Afghanistan.

In the heart of the Bamyan mountains, behind the cracked mud walls of a modest home in the village of Zargaran, a woman carries a sorrowful tale — a story shaped by a tradition still practised in parts of Afghanistan, where the fate of girls is sealed by a “bet” made even before they are born.

Frustration writ large on her visage, Maryam, in her fifties, spoke about a time when she carried not only a child, but also a predetermined destiny in her womb.

She sobbed out the grisly tale of her daughter, whose future was decided before her birth through a bet made by her father.

“Years ago, when I was just a few months along,” she recounted, “my husband told a relative if a daughter is born to anyone, she would be given in marriage to the other’s son.”

Back then, Maryam prayed for giving birth to a boy - not out of gender preference, but to escape the fate that awaited the unborn baby.

When a daughter was born, instead of congratulating the couple, villagers mockingly referred to the newborn as ‘so-and-so’s bride’. Ever since her birth, the nameless infant became a victim of her father's wager.

A wailing Maryam lamented: “My husband’s bet wasn’t a joke - it became a reality. The baby I was carrying turned out to be a girl. Neither I nor my daughter agreed to this.

“Whenever we objected, we faced violence. In the end, I had no choice but to marry her off to the son of the man who had made that deal with my spouse.”

Maryam’s daughter married 15 years ago, before she had even turned 20. She was not showered with rose petals; silence and despair. Today, she is a mother of several children, enduring an excruciating life.

Asked about her daughter’s married life, Maryam replied: “Her in-laws are poor. My daughter always says something that breaks my heart: Some people live life, others just endure it. My daughter is simply surviving.”

Her voice trembling from years of pain, Maryam urged families not to sacrifice their daughters at the altar of harmful traditions: “What happened to me must not happen to others. Marriage should be based on the free will of both the girl and the boy. Neither God nor the Prophet has endorsed this tradition. My message to all families is: Never force anyone into marriage, because Islam requires the consent of both parties.”

Not an isolated case

Zahra Hussaini, a Bamyan-based social activist who has witnessed similar incidents, confirmed bets were still placed on the gender of unborn children and promises of marriage before birth in some parts of the province. These arrangements often occur among families with close ties.

She mentioned a case from a few years ago in Yakawlang District No. 1, where a girl, deeply unhappy with the arrangement, repeatedly voiced her objections.

Still, the families insisted on proceeding with the marriage, citing one common justification: “A promise is a promise — it cannot be broken.”

Despite the girl’s consistent refusal and expressions of distress, her concerns were ignored. Intense pressure from family led her to attempt suicide multiple times. Yet the families remained adamant: “Our promise stands, and we will not risk our family’s honour by breaking it.”

Another resident, Alidad, recalled a similar case from years ago in the Qarghanto area of Bamyan. In that incident, when a girl reached puberty, she rejected her planned marriage, which was ultimately cancelled.

What scholars & psychologists say

Niamatullah Sadiqi, a religious scholar, insisted betting on unborn children was in direct contradiction with Islamic teachings. Such customs, he says, have no place in Islam.

“In Islam,” he said, “both parties must be of legal age and express their free and full consent. If a marriage is against the will of either party, it is not valid under Islamic law.”

Psychologist Mohammad Zahir Ehsas endorsed every individual’s right to life and to freely choose a spouse, according to international law, human rights principles and Islamic values.

He slammed such practices as flagrant violations of human dignity, with severe psychological and social consequences. “These customs cause women to feel weak, helpless and powerless. Many withdraw from society altogether.”

In his view, such traditions lead to a rise in forced marriages, psychological disorders, depression, even suicide - consequences that demand urgent intervention.

Govt response to forced marriage

Mahmood-ul-Hasan Mansouri, head of the Department for the Promotion of Virtue, Prevention of Vice and Complaint Hearing in Bamyan, confirmed forced marriages and bettings of unborn children were illegal and entailed prosecution.

He cited a decree from the leader of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan (IEA), criminalizing forced marriages and violence. “No one has the right to deprive women of their lawful rights.”

Mansouri noted nearly 50 cases of violence against women were recorded by his department last year, and all were addressed accordingly.

He underlined the importance of awareness campaigns to minimise unnecessary wedding expenses and eliminate unwholesome practices.

“Any case of violence against women brought to our notice will be taken seriously and dealt with on priority,” he concluded.

sa/mud